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Wall Street Announces New Hiring Initiative for English Graduates, Pay Commensurate with TOP CEO Compensation

Credit: Wall Street Journal

(New York, New York) April 18, 2019

Top Wall Street executives are pleased to announce their new initiative to hire English graduates. This enterprise includes filling all open positions at Wall Street with English graduates for the next 18 months—from treasury positions, to credit analysis, to a soon-to-open Vice President position. Pay for these roles are highly competitive compared to what many English majors face upon graduating with many offering compensation proportionate to top CEOs.

Credit: Wall Street Journal

“It has come to our attention jut how beneficial having English graduates on our team will vastly improve our overall workflow,” employment manager, Jeff Imaginär says. “These potential hires will bring a unique perspective that the economic sphere currently does not have. How can we write an engaging report on the bond market? Is it ‘their’ or ‘there?’ Can we finally explain to the public what hedge funds are? We hope to answer all these questions, and more, with English graduates in our corner.”

Credit: Study Worldwide with Study World

This push comes from the recent shift in the job market to hire liberal arts students in the unlikeliest of positions for their perspective. Employment opportunities for English graduates are popping up at hospitals, research labs, and coal mines across the nation. Many of them are high paying, two words English graduates thought they would never hear in relation to their career choice.

“When I got my degree in 18th century literature, I never dreamed I’d be applying for a job at Wall Street,” Jemma Faux, a recent graduate from Columbia says, “but it beats teaching. I’ll do anything to never set foot in a classroom again.”



Bronx Public School Announces Education Surplus Among Students

Credit: National Post

(Bronx, New York) December 28, 2018

Polk Elementary in New York City’s Bronx announces an education surplus among their kindergarten through fifth grade students. According to the student board, teachers are struggling to keep up with their pupils’ impressive gains in knowledge. In just half a school year, over 85% of classrooms have finished the textbook that took previous classes a year to finish, and educators are scratching their heads about what should be done next.

We don’t know what happened,” Principle Shania Weatherby says. “Maybe it’s something in the water. We are going to have to invest in more engaging material, because no matter what our teachers put in front of their kids, they are blowing through it. We’re having a hard time keeping up.”

Credit: Hudson Physicians

Principle Weatherby reports that kindergarteners are reading Little House on the Prairie, third graders are reading Romeo and Juliet, and fifth graders are powering through Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for Godot.

It has been proposed that college professors take turns coming in to assist these teachers, but whether or not that will happen, the school district is unsure if they can get the funding. For now, they have to find ways to keep their students busy in the new year.

One parent reports she was concerned when her nine-year-old daughter came home with what appeared to be Pre-Calculus homework. “I asked her, ‘Do you know what this is?’” Stephanie Watson said, “and she said, ‘Come on, Mommy, it’s not rocket science.”

While every parent claims their child is the most brilliant one on the face of the earth, it seems the parents of these 800 students truly may be. For more information on the Bronx public schools, visit.